My Body; My Home - A Discussion about Body Autonomy

    Hey Readers 💖 

    Long time no speak. I'm going to aim to keep these posts to a once a month deal (at least). I don't want to overwhelm myself with over dedication to the blog.

    But anyway, today's post. I've been thinking a lot about body autonomy and the choices that we make in regards to our own bodies and how we use them. 

    I've been thinking about this a lot recently because I've had some mixed experiences in the reception to my own body. Now I must be clear I am in no way talking about assault or harassment, namely people feeling like they could dictate in how my body was to be used for them. Everything I have ever experienced has been consensual but looking back I was consenting to some pretty toxic ideals. 

     When considering the concept of body autonomy; I've managed to categorise my experiences into two different contexts and whilst these contexts may overlap for some (as they have for me) it can be possible for them to exist separately.

    APPEARANCES

    For me, the area of my life that people think that they have control over is my appearance.  This has consisted of;

• Challenging my outfit choices
• Being vocal in disliking my hair colour
• Not liking my make up
• Telling me I need to lose weight
• Telling me to gain weight (this one still shocks me)
• Pointing out my body hair.

    Some of these statements have come from people who want me to look more appealing for them (quite often this has come from family members who don't like how I stand out with my style). 

Some of these statements have come from partners who would like my body to look more attractive to them.  

NONE of these statements are for my benefit.

    PLEASURE

    Another area of experience I have is how I've used my body for others pleasure instead of prioritising my own. This has consisted of;

• Being judged for not losing my virginity to my boyfriend of only 2 months
• Feeling like I could only gain a partners attention through pleasuring them
• Feeling like I needed to change my body to please them (hence link w/ appearances)
• Feeling like I had to consider partner's preferences when I wanted to make a change in my appearance in case I became less attractive.
• Feeling scared during talks about birth control with partners in case we disagree

    Across both contexts, I felt as if my body was not my own. That I was not to have a say in my own experiences. Across both of these contexts, all of these statements are toxic as hell but they are all in the past tense as I no longer submit to these ideals. 

    But just because I have no longer submit to these ideals does not mean that they didn't affect me. I'm still getting over the sheer audacity that some people  have when they try to dictate the choices I should make about my body.

    Ultimately, throughout everything I may experience in life, the only constant I have is that my body will remain my home. It is designed to keep me safe, to provide me with pleasure and keep me alive. None of that is intended for the use of anyone else. Many of us will experience wanting to change for others whether it be losing weight so that we appear more attractive, faking orgasms so that our partners pleasure is ensured over our own, and dying our hair because our grandparents don't like the vibrant colour we've chosen. 

    I say ENOUGH. No longer will I ask others permission to exist how I wish in my own body.  I give myself permission because my voice should be the only one that matters during talks about my home. This is a conclusion I have reached now that I've been single for a while so thank you to everyone who taught me that I need to be more selfish (by either encouraging me or taking advantage of me). 

    I encourage you to become more selfish in how you use your body. It will be the most freeing experience you'll have and I promise your bodies will thank you for it. 

    This obviously opens up a lot of room for a discussion about consent but I will save that for another day because that topic is worthy of a stand alone post of it's own. And of course that's not to say don't share your body with people or that you can't be open and sexual because you absolutely can! 

    Just take care in making sure it's for your own benefit.

    Much love,

    Lotty x

    Resources considered when writing this post;

1. Doing It! Podcast with Hannah Wilton & guest Tabitha Rayne - where the idea of asking for permission is discussed
2.  Body Positive Power by Megan Jayne Crabbe - focuses upon body positivity and making choices for the benefit of our own bodies
3. Pretending by Holly Bourne - a novel about a rape survivor who gets so fed up about having no luck with men that she pretends to be the "manic pixie dream girl" archetype (FYI; i HATE this trope but that's to save for another blog post.)
4. Doing It! Podcast with Hannah Witton & guest Holly Bourne - where the above novel is discussed as is the inspiration for said novel